Hear It From Me.

Many things running inside my head, all in one. From the George Floyd tragic death, The so-called “New Normal",” or what they the so-called ‘perfect’ government name it the month of “transition stage,” the Work From Home - Social Distancing state, and many more.

I don’t know about you - but I am devastated with this “New Normal” and in a way becoming so afraid of what might happen in the future. I - for one, decided it’s time for me to go back into writings and throw my heart out because this is the only way that keeps me sane.

Honestly speaking, I’m not a vocal person in terms of addressing what’s currently happening in the world such as Politics, Quarantine, or even Racism - just quite open about feelings in quotes and always try to deny it when people ask me “what’s wrong?” but now, let me address the current BLACK LIVES MATTER protests because I have my own protest in this topic.

We all experience racism in our lives - in a way. I for one, sometimes found people who are racist towards me whether it’s in the US or even in my home country. The reason why I never mention about this is because no matter what we say - other people will turn it sideways and point the finger back to us - blaming us such as “No jobs are available anymore because of your race,” or simply because “We feel that you deserve it because we don’t like you.” But let’s look at it this way, can we choose our own race before we were born? Can we even have that OPTION menu just like when we choose a new character in a new game? We don’t, correct? I don’t understand why so many people have no heart and look down on others just because of their race. It seems that the stereotypes is plagued at their back.

One more thing - it seems that no matter how hard we try to do better, people will always judge and assume something bad about us. I am deeply sadden and mortified with this. Black Lives Matter - in fact, All Lives Matter. Whenever I read the news every single day, I’ve seen many people - and well, also successful people (just because I saw a lot of articles addressing Reformation brand, Bon - Apetite Magazine, etc) tried to show empathy and support about BLM; but truth to be told, they are one of those people who are behind all of these tragedies. Treating employees badly in their work place, day-to-day encounter with other people and judge them in a racist way? Why can’t we just all come together and rebuild this messed up world? Tell me when can we become truly - one? Forgive me if I sound too vocal about this but I am tired of looking at this messed up situations that keep on happening day by day and without us knowing it, there are still so many little incidents that are happening around us based on racism that we don’t know us just because it’s not ‘broadcast’ in the news. So please, start to take this seriously, because if we don’t - I don’t even know which century we are living in.

I think I’ve shared enough about that, allow me to talk about the update of my life if you have been following my blog (or if you’re new here, I am incredibly thankful for you because you discovered my blog!).

So…… I’m pretty sure for most of you who follow me on Instagram knows that I am active (sometimes too-active).. At least 5-6 times a week or sometimes every day I post something on my story but now - I decided to take a break for a while. I honestly promise myself to at least do this cleanse once every 2-3 months or if I can do it, once per month. This plays a big part of my mental health because when I started using Instagram, I am (guilty) still counting my worth based on Likes and my Followers growth that is definitely not healthy. It seems like there are so many expectations being made there and I feel that I am never going to be able to fulfill that expectations & that’s why less and less people like my photos. My self-worth relies too much on this platform and it triggers my overthinking of “Maybe I’m not good enough, not pretty enough, not kind enough, not fun enough, have bad reputations, etc.” And I realized that things really do fall apart after graduation..

This is my first week of Instagram cleanse and I feel great. As usual, the first few days had been hard especially trying to find birthday cakes or gifts for my upcoming friends’ birthday but I tried to push myself to not open it at all. My goal is two weeks to a month, depending on my situation, but really aiming for that one month goal. So there’s that, if you have been dm-ing me, I won’t be reachable ATM.

Personal Feelings about the future come and go, but today especially - things started to come in my head again. I just recently got a job and have been working nonstop from 9 - 6, ok supposedly 6pm but it always stretches to 10 pm - 11 pm and sometimes weekend just because people tried to reach me. Work has been good - I enjoy it and no complains, but what I am afraid of is how days go by even 3x faster than before. In a blink of an eye - now it’s June 13th, soon to be entering the third week of June, and halfway through the year. I am damn scared - damn scared of time, of my future. Yes, I still miss the old days, but I know if I’m still with the same person - it would be so much different. Sure, there are times when I had good days and bad days but the speed of time though - I really am blindly just go through my day, week, and without I know it, it’s the new year again. I worry as f…ck.

Meeting the right people is a struggle and I just feel that maybe - maybe, this is my destiny - unable to find the meant to be part because people ended up leaving, again. I’ve made mistakes and I’m sure this is the time for me to pay my price. But dang, it indeed is scary. As days go by, I still try to always stay on the positive side and try to go on. I mean, we all have to love ourselves first before we find someone who can truly love us, right?

I just hope this new normal wouldn’t be as bad as I thought. I hope things will start to fall into place once and for all. I hope you all well and staying safe + healthy, keep your eyes open and stay cautious with your surroundings. Support Black Lives Matter and love one another, always. Enough with my rambling - will post about food reviews soon again :) For now, this is my story - unfiltered.