“Society thinks: It’s Never Enough”

She’s too tomboy-ish, too feminine. 

She’s too smart and always chasing career; too lazy yet too spoiled. 

She’s too quiet; she’s too loud.

She’s too high maintenance; she doesn’t seem like she cares about her appearance.

She’ too easy to get; she’s too picky.

She’s too sensitive; she’s too cold.

She’s too.. she’s not enough. 

Society thinks: it’s never enough - especially for people like us, Ambivert & always finding the middle ground. 

Life is funny, now - it’s even getting funnier. It seems that as I grew older, it’s getting much more acceptable for people to judge its book by its cover. I for one - kept on listening to criticism for the past few years. 

Opinions that are not being asked, are always being given. When we do not feel a connection with someone else when we did try to make an effort, they just think we’re too picky. Sometimes, life is funny.. isn’t it?

For the past few months, I question of the meaning of life.. It seems that it’s inevitable for us to compare ourselves with others thanks to the openness of social media where people , including me, always share the good things in their life. We, without us realizing it, become so consume on wanting to get more and it will never be enough. 

Whenever I meet new people, it was as easy as breathing fresh air to introduce myself and let the conversation flow. But these days, my self confidence is lacking cause my mind keep on thinking “I think I’m gonna fucked this up again and they’ll think I’m boring.” which by the way it’s damn hard to take it away. 

I always wonder, why is it so hard to find the other half or maintain good friendship? Is it because I’m uninteresting? Is it because I’m not pretty enough, not good enough, too busy, and can’t even hold one conversation? 

I feel that I have been showering love to different people, but overtime I kept on losing people and have the difficulty to find real love because I seem uninteresting to most or maybe people seem intimidated by my looks or maybe my career path (which by the way for me is just okay).

I question myself, a lot. like damn a lot, because I really do not know what I did wrong. I made the mistake to care more about what others think and always dropping everything to help others first rather than helping myself first. Can you see the lost-ness in my eyes?

I get jealous, I envy people who through my eyes seem like unkind; yet, they are much more interesting towards kind people and ended up finding love. 

It’s a tricky thing - life is. Although this is an excerpt of my feelings and thinkings - I’m trying my best to keep going day by day, hour by hour with having that small hope in life. 

As the closing of this, I wish to get more closure on my traits that push people away. And maybe it can start with you, who read this. 

Cheers.