Before The Year Ends.

28 years and 9 months. Three months to go until I enter my last year of being in my 20s.

Went to wedding after weddings by myself, and this week’s wedding has been the hardest of all time. I started to find judgments in people’s stares, questions of “where’s your partner? You got one now?” Not wanting to be judged further I simply lied that he’s busy.

Maybe they think I’m picky, maybe they think I’m weird, or worse - they think I haven’t been able to move on from my ex of four years, well cause he’s getting married this year, exactly in a month pfft.

Living in Indonesia is not easy for us girl, or someone like me to be exact. It may seem that I’m alright but deep inside I keep on questioning myself whenever I see the people who are not kind-hearted, two-faced, gold diggers and not-sincere .. get their happy ending of finding their best partner possible. One by one, they’re taken and living their marriage life to the fullest.

This makes me wonder, have I been making the mistake of “good girls finish last”

This makes me wonder, are they really in love or the definition of love is just purely status or the level of “money” they have, convenience just because they’re chasing that “under 30 marriage”  & connection/spark/love is not needed?

It’s not that I haven’t moved on, it’s more on missing with the idea & feeling of real love. I’ve prayed for 7 years and it seems that it’s not doing anything for me; instead, I got to be introduced to a dickhead who I spent 7 months tgt that used me to gain his status and mentally abused me (pardon my words). It seems that my patient of being “okay” is not okay, cause look at me now - single, alone, and ha! Another guy showed interest and then started to reply slooooow & left the conversation after a goddamn event. Am I really that fucking un-interesting?

Good God, the fire inside me is burning up cause it feels extremely unfair. I keep on getting mad easily, it’s like there’s a hatred and I hate people in general, fuck.

I want to fall in love, I want to grow old with someone that I would fall high over heels (and they should feel the same) and someone who I would trust and not waste it. Someone who would.. make me grow, not piss me off or I have to be the one to fucking teach them how to not be boring.

This makes me think and wonder, what is so not attractive of me? Is it the social media sharing? Is it my looks? The way I talk? Cause I work too hard in my career? Cause I have a fucking bitch face? I’ve done nothing but try to be nice and care about others - not hoping to get anything back, just a person that I would be comfortable sharing my life with.

It makes me crazy all the goddamn time whenever I felt confident, it’s being taken away from me. I’ve found someone again, but this time the only issue is the background, the lifestyle, the everything in between. I’m faced with an either or situation, never getting the balance of both.

I’m broken hearted, every single day, struggling to find the reason behind living believing in love, because it might not exist for me, which is sad.. and insane.

I just want real love, I miss the idea of falling in love from both sides, and I miss having someone as a partner and bestfriend at the same time. I miss every goddamn thing. And I wish things will turn out different before the year ends.