Second Choice

The infamous Valentine - the one who always end up as the second choice or the backup plan, at least that’s what I got after looking back of my almost 29 years of life. I’m supposed to listen to my parents’ words, “Never show that you’re weak or care about people too much. You’ll get disappointed. Never love someone 100%, they’ll feel differently.” And I have felt it, at least - finally, today.

Throughout the years where I was still a social person, I would say that I had a big confidence and of course, I care about people the most. I would drop everything and ran to every chances I got if they needed me, without thinking about myself first. All ended up with me feeling burnt out, and left out.

There’s a case when I was called to become a last minute during someone’s big day because she needed a last minute help, well me being me I always said yes whenever they need help. It’s like when you hear my name, it’ll automatically say “Hey, I’m here you can definitely count on me anytime of the day! 24 hours that is!”

There’s a case where I become someone who is perfect in some guys; eyes; but after they notice my interest back and me letting down my walls, they’ll run as fast as they can. Or sometimes, I’m their second choice. All the damn time.

Is it really just me, the problem of it all ? Or society is just fucking shitty these days? I’m still left with no answer as I don’t know what’s expected of me and I’m completely lost. Do I really have to be with someone who is well, let’s face it, he’s established and good person and all but - feelings, is this how life supposed to be? Me, suffering with no feelings but have to still be with this one?

It’s like being alive these days is like a war zone as it makes me feel as though we are all competing to get that attention every fucking day, and no matter how kind or nice you are as a person; people will always leave. LEAVE. That’s the most famous activity that people do since after college.

And today I just rant - because I notice how life is not supposed to be that simple, and my life’s almost over and I almost give up because of this no-connection partner and no real friendship situation and it’s fucking hurts every day.

Is it really me, the source of the problem? Well, only GOD knows. and He pretty much showed it throughout the years with the lessons, unending lessons that I have to fucking learn until IDK when.